It’s right by your foot. See? Right there.
Yes well I don’t know what it is. Looks like somebody left it there and forgot about it; damned liberty if you ask me.
No, I’ve no intention of nudging it with my shoe; I only bought them recently and I don’t want to get them dirty; you nudge it. I say, is that somebody knocking on the door? Well never mind, the maid will see to it.
Did it move? Quivered a bit did it? Dashed strange thing to leave on a person’s carpet, a person could be forgiven for thinking this was some sort of elaborate jape.
Fire poker, capital idea! Yes, give it a go with that; give it a good old poke. No, no, that won’t do; give it some thrust for goodness sakes! Give it here, I’ll do it. Got to twist all the way through with your hips and shoulders, like this, do you see?
Heavens preserve us, what on earth is that smell? Was that you? Well it certainly wasn’t me; must’ve been this thing. Give it another poke and see if it does it again, only open the window first perhaps.
There’s that infernal knocking again; will somebody get the door? I swear the staff in this house are taking more and more liberties…
…what’s that you say? Smoking? Good grief, you’re right! It’s eating right through the shag pile! Blasted thing! Quick, get my shotgun off that wall there; I’ll soon get rid of it. Where are my bloody shells?
That knocking’s getting louder; I SAY, WILL SOMEBODY GET THE BLOODY DOOR? All this noise is giving me a headache. Dashed impertinence is what it is. As if I didn’t have enough to deal with. You wait until the wife sees this carpet, she’ll go spare.
What do you mean it isn’t the door? Of course it’s the door, it’s not as if I’ve commissioned any work to be done and none of the neighbours have been at it, although I wouldn’t put it past them. No sense of propriety.
Gah! Damned knocking’s getting even louder!
I say, good grief, pull yourself together will you? Take your hands off of your ears and get your handkerchief, your nose is bleeding! Quick, don’t get it on the carpet! Bad enough as it is. What’s that? No, it’s no good, I can’t hear you. Knocking’s too loud. TOO LOUD I SAID.
Bloody thing! Let me get a bead on it, that’s it. Soon blast you to kingdom come my erstwhile little friend…
Well. That’s torn it.
Got the bloody thing though, it’s gone.
Wait, what’s that sound coming from down there?