The Assassin

Luminous-Eyes

Luminous-Eyes (Photo credit: Pat McDonald)

Kneeling on the grass
Biding his time, holding breath
Aligning his bow.

From up high takes sight
Focused on her coiffured head
Ready for the strike.

She looks up at him
Her glance filling him with awe
Her eyes stop all time.

Dagger pierces throat
Despite pain he loves her still
Fade into blackness.

Update

I’ve just realised, the morning after I posted this, that I used the word ‘time’ twice and I wasn’t very clear on who died – what a clutz!  So, now I need your help; please vote to tell me what I should do.

Further update

The votes are in: unanimously for not changing a thing!  The story therefore remains as it is.

Thank you for voting 😀

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About TheImaginator

35 year old sciolist living in Tokyo. I like swing dancing, Twitter word games, writing, using Stumbleupon.com, reading, and watching movies. I write stuff on my blog occasionally.
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13 Responses to The Assassin

  1. Annabelle says:

    I’m intrigued by how it’s not totally clear who has died at the end; clearly she was the target, but is it him who ends up dying?

  2. I like the idea of soliciting feedback from others. My vote is to take your time with this piece and don’t be afraid of expanding it for clarity. It’s strong, and it’s worth a few extra words to make it even stronger.

  3. Draug419 says:

    Ooo I like this. It could use some clarity, but it’s also interesting as it is.

  4. djmatticus says:

    The ambiguity, the fact that we can infer the ending to be whatever we want it to be, makes this great!

  5. Christine says:

    Interesting – I was certain that it was the assassin that died: he was readying a bow, but it was a dagger that pierced the throat. I didn’t even see the ambiguity until other folks pointed it out! Of course, I have no idea now if I was right. 🙂 But regarding the piece itself – I like how you caught a moment of time in that third stanza, like that instant when the swing reaches the top of its arc, but hasn’t started to fall yet. Nicely done.

  6. I read it as the assassin dying, and like it.
    However, despite using time twice, I’m afraid neither is the third definition.

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