What would I say to an uninvited guest?
No, not really.
I would say “Er, hello. What’s going on?”, or words to that effect.
That might not do a lot of good, but you see what I am doing there, is being polite and then seeking information to help me assess the situation of what to do about the uninvited guest.
The reason why I’m saying that it might not do a lot of good, is because there is a chance, no matter how small, that this uninvited guest is not in a state of mind to appreciate this gesture, or would be disinclined to provide it for other reasons.
Besides, I might not need the words to assess the situation, or have time enough to speak them or even to know what the hell was happening until it was too late.
If it was a zombie, I would have lots of time to grab something, beat the zombie back until I could lay my hands on a wine bottle to smash it and cut off its head (unless it was a fast zombie, in which case I would have to kick it out of the window and then make my escape.
If it was a fire-breathing dragon then I’d either be toast, or a snack, or I’d have time to say “oh shit!” just before it said “hello boy, I’ve come a long way to find you. Are you ready? We need to go, if we’re to make it in time”.
If it was a vampire, I would say “oh shit! What do you want? Blood?!”.
If it was a cockroach, I would kill it.
If it was a ninja, they would kill me (I presume, due to mistaken identity).
If it was a rat, I’d raise my fists in the style of a boxer, and circle around it, and I’d jump if it moved; they’re quick buggers mind.
If it was a rabid dog, I’d stay very still and speak very gently, while I reached for a wine bottle to smash over its head so I could stab it and stamp on it and kill it.
If it was a rabid cat, I’d probably get one swipe with that wine bottle so I’d have to make it count; then stab it with the remains of the bottle. Have you ever seen a dead cat? They’re fuckin’ freaky man, can’t tell if they’re dead or alive until you see the maggots wriggling in ’em. Don’t trust a cat’s dead until you see the maggots…